being a “girl” sucks
- with older guys I’m always worried I’m some fucking manic pixie dream novelty. like a way for them to live out/re-live their youth. like they keep me around because I’m young and quirky and ‘fun’ (what does that even MEAN?).
- with guys my age I’m worried I’m just this fucking masturbatory fantasy of the perfect ‘no strings attached’ girl. who chills in sports bars and drinks tequila, no chaser. likes dark beer and whisky.
and how do you know if you are? how do you know it’s how they feel and not some bad paranoid feeling in your gut from past dudes?
i went to the library and grabbed the Opposite of Loneliness on a whim. not because i recall having read Marina Keegan’s essay of the same title, although i have, but because the cover looked honest. Marina’s photo is candid and honest and sometimes i like short stories.
it’s split into fiction and non-fiction. both are excellent. oddly, quite a few of the fiction pieces focus around death (death of a character and death of a relationship). if you’ve never heard of Marina you don’t know why i think it’s odd that her pieces seem to focus on endings but it’s because this work is published posthumously- Marina died 5 days after graduating Yale. Marina’s non-fiction is about her past, present and where she hopes to be- where she never made it to.
giving honest ratings to posthumous works is hard, in all fairness. but i do think this was an incredible collection. i laughed, i cried, sometimes i blushed awkwardly both with her and her characters and for them.
even if you’re not into short stories or non-fiction.. give it a shot.
“And I cry because everything is so beautiful and so short.”
a white passing gay guy just tried to tell me that the US is the only country obsessed with race.
hahahhaha yeah ok. because racism doesn’t exist in other parts of the world riiiight.
done drunk the fuckin’ koolaid…. :-(
so since I turn 21 in ~30 minutes.. my gift to myself this year is to stop minimising how I feel to people, to stop neglecting to tell people when they’ve hurt me, and stop explaining away why I feel how I feel.